Spelunking in the subconscious

I feel a little brave today

as God is by my side

inciting me to go down there

where all bad feeling hide

It's not a very pleasant place

with swamp and old dead trees

and every time I've been down here

I've prayed: "Get me out, please"

Submerged in rotting stillness here

the stagnant waters stand

no lonely crow to make a sound

no one to take your hand

And in the dank and murky depths

preserved the corpses lie

of every dream that came and went

to prematurely die

Like a good birdwatcher

I must stay and wait to see

their lifeless bodies float and rise

to blindly stare at me

My willingness to stay down here

although reluctantly

is slowly causing miracles

as something moves in me

Down at the bottom of the pond

a heart begins to beat

rhythmic, strong and vivid red

it pulsates at my feet

A circulation starts to flow

through places long cut off from blood

a bright breeze rustles through the trees

fresh water flushes out the mud

Is there a chance here to redeem

these places long considered dead?

A chance that things could blossom here

and better times lay just ahead?

The icy time of year

                                                                     An icy embrace

Toe-shaped icicles

A hermit at the entrance of his cave

The Ice King

Plants on ice

Guideline

I have been searching for a path in life for a long time. I found this thing I wrote more than two years ago and feel it describes what I long for most in life, what I want to be my guideline, the golden light that guides me. This yearning cannot come from nowhere, I know that it is trying to lead me somewhere...

How would I know that I've reached a place of dignity and meaning?

I would feel infinitely safe, be covered and sorrounded by beauty and love. I would be involved and taken into account. They would believe in me, give me time, trust in my potential. I would be free to express myself and this would be appreciated. I would be free to dream and would receive help to realize these things. I would be playful and ready to experiment. We would do things simply for the beauty of doing them. Everything would feel meaningful, and I would be proud of having built up every little contact, every wonderful and simple experience. I might be completely by myself but not feel alone a single day. I would be incredibly, breathtakingly free to decide and to live, unbound by ties to the past and independent. I would have the complete and breathtaking freedom of an orphan. Everything I would start would be under a good star, chock full of good intention and positive energy, so that I would be very proud and very grateful. My contact to others would be pure and intense, guided by the stars. I would have so much fun, so incredibly much time to play. I would be truly dignified because I would love everyone, yet need no one. My ties are severed clean. In my heart I am free as a bird, my thoughts soar above the ocean. I have a secret perspective that nothing and no one can touch, it protects me and blesses me. Its name is freedom. It gives me the power to go anywhere and do anything. No one can ever know about it directly, it is the secret power that pulsates through me, the intense fire that lets me see and that keeps me safe. It is for everyone, but this bit is only for me. It burns me up from inside, leaving me cozy and warm in midst of a storm. It gives me the sense of adventure that I crave. I need no one to get there, only this invincible sense of autonomy that is, at the same time, a full and complete offering myself at God's feet. Show me the way, I'm ready. This is an unconditional freedom, it can't be destroyed or touched by anything. It will be the ship in a bottle locked deep in my heart, inaccessible to anyone but me. With it, nothing will be able to harm me. It is the locket with my secret fairy dust inside, it allows me to fly. It opens up the huge world to me, makes me a woman, a grown being. And above all it makes me happy and satisfied, allows me to find my right way among the shadows and off the beaten path. It electrifies and magnetizes me, making me find the way infallibly, like a pole. It shows me into antique bookstores, mysterious alleys, twinkling bars, happy markets and tough streets. During all this, it holds a protecting hand over me and my destiny. The feeling of butterflies, that tingling of adventure never goes away. It carries me and holds me, cradles me and protects me. The existentialist path of being completely autonomous carries me, makes me fly, sweeps me through the air in its magnitude, magnanimousness and infinite beauty and wisdom.

World's lamest gif

I'm so old-school.
I still usually draw on paper with a real pencil and then fill things in with real watercolors. But since the only kind of animation I could generate that way would have been one of those little notebooks with a tiny drawing on the lower corner of each page that you flick through with your thumb to create the "animation" effect, I decided it was time to learn to use Photoshop a little. And then I found a website where you can create gifs - so that was quite simple (http://www.createagif.net/).

Even though it doesn't look too dynamic, I do like to watch my little yellow bird fly across the screen.